I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
