I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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