I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
