True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
