Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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