did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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