Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my sisters under your porch take her home
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm really busy with my period
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