I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
