your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
