You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
