I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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