Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
