i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize