Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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