Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The power of my boobs compel you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
