I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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