you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
