It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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