Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
