a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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