id be glad to
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
