He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
