I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
