Nicole vs. Life
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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