At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
