eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
