Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i am craving dick and cupcakes
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
