My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
