Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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