o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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