quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
