Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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