whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
