If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
