the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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