life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
my being single is dangerous.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize