wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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