He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
