I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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