I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
