1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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