Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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