yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
