Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I take back everything I said about communal showers
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
