I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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