I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
