Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
