if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
