As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
