can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
