No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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