if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
