I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
